we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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