a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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