I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
