i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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