i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
