so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize