Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
