well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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