I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
