i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
