I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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