my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
