So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
