based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
