Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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