literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
not ubering you a puppy
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
