i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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