Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
