You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Randomize
