take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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