There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dicks are not precious.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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