I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
