I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
