Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
