I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
