he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
