Sry I called you an 8
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
