i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
