can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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