oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
