I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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