my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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