apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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