You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize