as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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