i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
