I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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