sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
No subtext here. People are naked.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
