I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
