I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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