Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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