I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
