I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Girls should come with a carfax report
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Drunk is a universal language darling
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
