Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize