i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I can't trust your balls anymore.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
