You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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