thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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