shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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