I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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