We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
