he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
