I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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