Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
