Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
