She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
