I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just found puke in my bra..
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
