The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
